Pain
by Mlle Lambert
Summary: She’s so tired of being without him. Warning: Character death. DanJan


**Pain**  
_By Mlle Lambert_

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_**Spoilers:** "Meridian" is the only one I can spot.  
**Season/Sequel:** Season Six  
**Rating:** PG  
**Content Warnings:** Character death  
**Pairings:** Daniel/Janet  
**Summary:** She's so tired of being without him.  
**Status:** Complete  
**Disclaimer:** Whoever owns them owns them! If I did, I'd be writing the scripts, not the fanfic!  
**Author's Notes:** The lyrics to "My Immortal" fit this story so well, and I just had to put them in here. Reviews are much appreciated!  
**Written:** November 15, 2003  
**Archive:** Ask me first._

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I've got to get away from here. I need change. I must leave so I can let go. This place reminds me too much of him. It leaves me with questions that I could never answer in my wildest dreams.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

What if I'd told him about my secret attraction? What if I had taken him up on his offer? I remember the words he spoke like it was yesterday. "If you need anything…" Those six syllables haunt me every moment now that he's gone.  
If only the courage I needed to confess had been found before it was too late. If only I knew whether he felt the same way or if he viewed me as nothing more than a friend. There are so many what ifs and if onlys. How could I have been so blind? The man I loved was the one I helped make it through all of those hardships, and he, in turn, did the same for me.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

I used to be so awed by his love for life. He would sacrifice his own for another if it meant saving innocent people. He died as a result of this, and because of that, I love and hate him, but I respect him for his heroism. In a way, I'd like to do that.  
My dreams are filled with images of him lying in that bed, slowly dying. His voice resounds in my mind when I walk by a place where he spent a lot of time. It almost seems as if he's following me wherever I go.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating life  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me_

One thing that troubles me more than anything else is the face that I don't know if he's dead or not. I think I'll go on believing that he is out there somewhere contributing to the greater good. I only wish that he would tell me so it could help with the pain.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

Tomorrow I'll turn in my resignation. Tomorrow I'll catch a flight to as far away from here as I can get. Cassie will understand. I'm sure she and Sam will enjoy the time they'll have when I'm gone.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that your gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

I arrive home after what seems like the longest drive from the base. Cassie's already asleep and I don't see any reason to disturb her.  
I get ready for bed and I'm about to turn off the light when a light breeze plays with my loose hair. I face the direction from where it came. He's standing there watching me. "Daniel?"  
"I'm so sorry, Janet," he says sadly.  
"Wh—why are you here?  
"To tell you that you can't leave."  
"But—"  
He stops me with his hand. "You'll understand in time."  
Nodding, I realize it's now or never. "Daniel, I—"  
"I know, Janet, I know. I love you, too."  
I smile and look down at the floor. When I return my gaze to the point where he stood, I see that he's gone again. "Goodbye, Daniel." I wipe the tears from my eyes.  
Switching the lights off, I climb into bed thinking that maybe I should stay here after all. I'm sure he wants me to remain for a reason, and that's exactly what will happen.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me._

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_You know what to do. Just press that little purple button at the bottom…I know you can do it…;-)_


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